09/08/08 - Tabletown opens itself to the world.

The world held its breath today as one of the most secretive and oppressive regimes on Earth opened its doors to allow outsiders a rare glimpse inside.

As an estimated 10,000 performers took part in the three-hour opening ceremony, analysts predicted that this powerful nation was now ready to take centre stage in world affairs.

Meanwhile, half a world away, the first Tabletown Open Day began with little fanfare. Mayor and Emperor Eternal Doctor Augustus Julius Sinister IV found himself holding a press conference to an empty room and it was left to his bodyguard contingent to rustle up a couple of sleeping reporters from Tabletown News.

"This is an event which will live in history" announce the Emperor Eternal. "Forget the Olympics, the events taking place today at Tabletown will live longer in people's memories than any stupid sports events - and no that's not sour grapes because we weren't allowed to enter, although the bombers will be departing in half an hour. All hail me!"

The Mayor was then bustled away to a secret bunker location as the first air-raid sirens heralded the opening not only of the Open Day itself, but possibly war with China.

08/08/08 - Mayor despairs as new lampposts attract unwanted visitors.

Mayor Doctor Sinister's much-vaunted multi-million SinDollar scheme to upgrade every lamppost in Tabletown has attracted a new round of criticism. Following last week's arguments about allegations that the new posts were actually housings containing mind-controlling brainwave emitters, it seems the stray dog population is very keen on the new installations.

One Council worker, who asked not to be named but whom we are obliged under Tabletown Government Regulation Number 1457 to name as Arthur Cawardine, said:

"It's bloody ridiculous, I dunno if these lampposts do contain brain-controlling devices or not, but they attract dogs like crazy. And the bloody things are really poorly built - I dunno where the Mayor's millions went, back in his pocket probably - one sniff of dog wee around these things and they explode. Plus tThe 486 series generators in these things have a major fault - it's essentially unstable and three whole city blocks have burned down through its use - five thousand people have died. But we're soldiering on with it in the sure certainty that they can't ALL be faulty. Excuse me...I think I can smell burning."

13/06/08 - Aggressor MBT Upgrade

Doctor Sinister, Emperor Eternal of Tabletown, today attended a ceremony which saw the delivery of the first Aggressor Mk II Main Battle Tank to the Tabletown Army. The Aggressor Mk II mounts a lower profile turret than the Mk I, an improved drivetrain and targeting systems. All Mk I vehicles are now being converted to the Mk II standard as Tabletown continues its eternal fight for freedom!

18/05/08 - Sabotage!

Further to our news report two weeks ago, a state of high alert currently exists at the Wilmut Facility upon discovery that one of the containment chambers has developed a fault, ageing one of the Mayor's clones by 5,000 years.

"Only his cybernetic arm is still recognisable, it's horrible!" remarked one worker at the facility where secret service agents have sealed the area whilst investigations are underway.

03/05/08 - Mayor accelerates cloning program

Reporters were today granted a unique opportunity to inspect the top secret coastal Wilmut Facility which has been the source of some controversy for many years.

Long suspected to be a biological weapons plant, the truth is far stranger. As journalists were guided around the labyrinthine complex, the true reason for its construction was eventually revealed by none other than the Emperor Eternal himself, Doctor Sinister.

"It's important that my legacy and reign as the ruler of Tabletown continue for as long as possible - since of course it is the will of the people that I should look after their interests in perpetuity. Thus I am pleased to announce that the first of five hundred clones of my person have been created so that I might continue to take care of Tabletown forevermore."

As gobsmacked reporters clustered around hermetically sealed containers that appeared to contain duplicates of the Emperor Eternal, Doctor Sinister was able to explain that if his body were ever to die, the memories and experiences of that body would be instantly transferred to a clone of himself which would be activated within the hour.

Doctor Sinister with two of his clones.

"Of course we have secreted several clones around the Tabletown Region so that a strike on this facility would be pointless - my eternal reign is assured. You may now bow before me...and there are cups of tea and cakes for you in the foyer on your way out."

06/04/08 - Heavy overnight snow hits Tabletown

Despite reassurances from weathermen that Tabletown would be basking in sunlight, the region instead awoke to the heaviest blanket of snow seen in four years on the Emerald Isle.

Bystanders report that gunfire was heard at the Meteorological Office at around 10:00 hours and adverts have appeared on the official Met' Office website for new forecasters.

Emperor Eternal Mayor Doctor Sinister refused to comment on rumours that his prized marigolds had been obliterated by the unexpected change in weather.

Troops at the frontier were caught out by the sudden blizzard.

11/02/08 - Fuel prices reach a new high, residents demand tax breaks.

The reality of war reached the petrol forecourts today as the price of fuel finally exceeded £10.00 a litre. With imports already hit following the invasion of Iraq, supplies have dwindled even further following the oil companies' refusal to deliver to the Emerald Isle in view of ongoing border hostilities between Tabletown and BestLockLand.

Emperor Eternal Mayor Doctor Sinister attempted to restore calm in a Press Conference this afternoon:

"I have ordered our engineers to re-investigate the possibility of a PLUTO (PipeLine Under The Ocean) scheme to the Blocktavian continent so that we might pump oil supplies directly ashore without anyone having to risk their oil tankers, but there's a small hitch with that plan - we've only got some garden hose spare as all our heavy industry has been directed towards arms manufacture. Now, I'm happy to use this garden hose, but I must have it back at the weekend or I want someone else to water my plants for me."

The Mayor was then quickly bustled away by security staff with the remainder of the rest of the Press Conference held in his absence. Aides to the Mayor described him as being "...very ill and under great strain".

Petrol forecourts have been almost deserted as no-one can physically carry enough cash to fill up.

In addition to the crisis over oil supplies from overseas, information has reached Tabletown News that the plans to grow biofuels from crops have been dealt a severe blow following a lightning strike on the farmland used for testing which resulted in an explosion three miles across and which could be seen from two hundred miles away.

"In retrospect, we may have got the wrong end of the stick as regards this biofuels business - we'd assumed that we'd have to feed the crops with gasoline instead of water, or something, but on re-reading the guidance notes, it seems that this was a little bit wrong".

Meanwhile, residents of Tabletown City are demanding that the Mayor reverse his 500% tax on fuel, imposed in 2007, given the current crisis;

"It's ridiculous, I had to re-mortgage my house this morning just to pay for enough petrol to take my kids to school half a mile away. People ask me why I'm still driving when the school is just around the corner, but I'm buggered if I'm walking in the rain. And no, I don't care that it wasn't raining and that the sun was blazing high in the sky, I'm not taking the chance. Besides, have you felt how soft this leather upholstery is? Like Heaven...."

10/02/08 - Tabletown Army unveils new propaganda posters.

Tabletown News has received exclusive previews of new recruitment and propaganda posters to be distributed throughout the Tabletown Region in an effort to boost public morale as the crisis with BestLockLand deteriorates.

Click on the image below to be taken to the main page displaying these posters.

30/01/08 - Enter the Dragon!

For some time now the rumour mill has been turning out stories of strange shapes in the skies over Tabletown.  Well today those rumours have been shattered by the unveiling of the latest addition to Tabletown’s military: the Dimention Aerospace DA1 Dragon.  A spokesman for Tabletown’s defence forces has given Tabletown News exclusive access to this ‘fast mover’, a formidable multi-role strike fighter designed to take the fight to the enemy.  Doctor Sinister, our illustrious Mayor, commissioned Dimention Aerospace to develop the Dragon, in order to counter increased insurgency by BestBlockLand revolutionaries.

The Dragon has been specifically designed to fight its way to a target, prosecute that target with maximum expediency and fight its way back out again.  The first production Dragon (pictured) sports two heat-seeking air-to-air missiles, 4 radar-guided long range air-to-air missiles, four 1,000lb laser guided bombs and twin 20mm chain-guns.  No announcement has been made as to the level of in-service numbers expected for this formidable aircraft, but know this enemies of Tabletown, you can run, but you can’t hide!

Speaking from his executive bathroom, Doctor Sinister had this to say;

"Up yours BestLockLand! Now, can you leave please, I'm trying to read..."

The Dragon was conceived, developed and constructed by Ed Diment. The Mayor and people of Tabletown extend their thanks for his kind thoughts, deeds and friendship during this dark hour!

Click the thumbnail images below for larger versions which will open in a new window or tab.

All photos (c) Ed Diment. Thanks for allowing me to use these.

19/01/08 - Mayor caught in three-in-a-bed romp!

The Mayor's office today denied any impropriety following newspaper pictures published in our rival publication, "Tabletown Tittle-Tattle" of our glorious leader apparently leaving a three-in-a-bed orgy which was reportedly held at Residence One last weekend.

A spokesman for the Mayor denied suggestions that the Mayor was ignoring his responsibilities as head of the Tabletown Region;

"Mayor Doctor Sinister has been very busy in attempting to defuse the ongoing border conflicts with BestLockLand and indeed was entertaining two young female VIPs at The Black House when they both became very hot due to a failure in the central heating system. When both of these ladies fainted, our esteemed Mayor took it upon himself as the only person in the room qualified to do anything to strip all their clothes off and attempt to revive them - vigorously. In the circumstances, the Mayor's Doctorate in "Practically Everything" was rather fortuitous as he was able to save both their lives and restore them to full health after a warm chocolate shower."

The Mayor and his two VIP guests, pictured just prior his assault on the newsmen outside Residence One.
Picture courtesy of Tabletown Tittle-Tattle.

24/12/07 - Holiday address from the Mayor.

Mayor Doctor Sinister today gave his annual holiday address to the nation. Although Tabletown is avowedly atheist, in common with the rest of the world, traditional holidays around this time of year are common.

Speaking outside the Town Hall, the Mayor expressed hope for 2008 and indicated that all residents of the Tabletown Region should wish for a better year after the setbacks of 2007 - although given the continued refusal of the Royal Mail to deliver a simple parcel, it is likely that 2008 will begin on something of a sour note, not to mention litigation.

Whatever your religion, whatever your belief, thank you for reading Tabletown News and Happy New Year.

20/12/07 - Freight train services delayed - delivery of vital parts held up by the Post Office. Mayor issues ultimatum.

Mayor Doctor Sinister today issued dire threats and a warning to the Post Office following major delays in the proposed new freight train service;

"It has now been ten days since the Post Office accepted delivery of important components for delivery to Tabletown City and they still have not arrived. Unless the parts in question are received within 24 hours, we will not only commence immediate litigation against this incompetent firm of utter buffoons, we will take direct military action against all their facilities and laser their headquarters from orbit. Consider this a final warning. It is NOT acceptable for items like this to go missing in this day and age, and it either shows a level of utter incompetence I was previously unaware of or that the entire organisation is infested with thieves ".

07/12/07 - Mayor reassures Tabletown as international crisis escalates.

Speaking from the newly refurbished Terminal One of the Tabletown International Airport, Mayor Doctor Sinister today held a brief Press conference to outline the actions taken after yesterday's shock discovery of BestLockLand troops on Tabletown soil.

Doctor Sinister, surrounded by a throng of reporters at the Airport.

"With yesterday's discovery of BestLockLand troops inside the Tabletown Region, tensions between our two Governments have reached a new low. Yes it is true to say that we were already in an official state of war and that we had been since the Best Lock Empire's invasion of our island in 1990, but I had been hopeful of a diplomatic breakthrough to resolve our differences. Recent communications with the BestLockLand Government did indeed give me hope. However it seems that my confidence was misplaced for yesterday, a day that will live in infamy, saw our beloved land invaded by a small enemy scouting force.

Even as we speak, the brave men and women of the Tabletown Defence Forces are rooting out any remaining invaders, but it has become clear that our border has been breached on a regular basis over the last few weeks. Supplies of enemy equipment have been discovered in several strategic locations - it is clear that the People's Revolutionary Army were planning to create staging and re-arming points within our own land to support an invasion. This is clearly intolerable and the situation is as grave as it gets.

I have today issued a communication to the BestLockLand Government ordering them to cease all operations within our borders and that any forces remaining on our territory must surrender themselves immediately or BestLockLand will itself face immediate and strong retaliation. If necessary, I am prepared to authorise the use of tactical nuclear weapons on Studdington itself as a demonstration of my resolve.

I am supremely confident that the enemy will step back from the brink of nuclear Armageddon, but rest assured, if they start anything we'll make damn sure we take them with us".

Army Command on Victory Mountain were not prepared to comment on rumours that Aggressor Class MBTs had been moved to the border to repel an imminent invasion, and the atmosphere within Tabletown City seems strangely calm with life apparently carrying on as normal.

06/12/07 - Breaking News! Enemy troop patrol discovered within Tabletown's borders! Shots fired! Army on full alert! Mayor to give full Press briefing tomorrow!

Reports are coming in that a Tabletown Army patrol in the North West forest area has engaged and defeated a patrol of troops from BestLockLand.

Details are sketchy at this stage, but it appears that a small quantity of supplies and equipment has also been discovered.

Enemy troops are said to be non-cooperative when questioned

The armed forces have been placed on full alert and three Tabletown Navy Frigates were seen steaming North from the Black Island less than an hour ago. The remainder of the Fleet at anchor appears to be making ready to depart. Helicopter gunships have been seen over strategic areas within Tabletown City and fighter patrols are launching at 15 minute intervals.

The Army is said to have dispatched three Battalions to the forest area upon discovery of the enemy troops earlier this evening.

The Mayor is understood to have sent a very terse urgent communique to the BestLockLand People's Revolutionary Council but full details of the content are not known at this stage. However the Police appear to have been alerted as do the Mayor's own security forces and there are rumours that nuclear bunkers across the Tabletown Region are being stocked up.

The Army has been patrolling the forest area for the last two days, perhaps in response to some kind of intelligence tip-off?

The Mayor has indicated that a full Press briefing will take place early tomorrow morning, but as the Moon rises above Tabletown City, the lights are burning late at the military HQ atop Victory Mountain.

Turn to this page for a special report on this extraordinary event and for more exclusive pictures brought to you by Tabletown News!

02/12/07 - Tabletown Army unveils new troops and weapons.

After recent massive investment, Tabletown Army Generals today held a Press conference during which they unveiled the new integrated weapons systems under their command, systems and vehicles designed to defend the Tabletown Region from outside aggression.

Speaking from the Army's Supreme Command HQ on Victory Mountain, Emperor Eternal Mayor Doctor Sinister was overjoyed with the new equipment on show by the Army:

"This completes this round of spending on the armed forces. We hope that the demonstrations of our new capabilities will cease the rhetoric from the increasingly desperate leaders in BestLockLand and perhaps bring them back to the negotiating table to talk about a longlasting peace. Failing which, we are more than capable, and determined to prosecute the matter to a military conclusion, if that's what they want."

Examples of the n ew equipment now in use by the Tabletown Army. Click the picture for a VERY LARGE version.

Archive news here.